The most expensive loan - you’re paying it off too.

Everyone around me thinks of me as a lunatic. What’s more - I consider myself pretty crazy too. Rightfully so, I think. Ever since I was a child I’ve had a crooked value system. One of the reasons is definitely the fact that I was a lab rat for my parents who changed my school 4 times by the time I turned 12. But that’s really nothing in comparison.

The shadow of death

The only thing it caused is that I instantly adapt to new surroundings. That I don’t get attached to places or things - and hardly ever to people. But rebellion is in my blood. I first started putting on make up in primary school and the first thing I ever put on my face was a dark purple lipstick. My chemistry teacher pointed out right away that perhaps it’s a little too early. I resolutely replied that maybe it’s too late for her as at her age she should be able to do her eyeliner neatly already. As you can see, I’ve always had problems with accepting authority. Because how can you respect someone who is evidently more stupid than yourself (whoever they may be)? That’s why I dropped out of my first attempt at university - my literature professor showed such levels of idiotism that I simply couldn’t bear sitting in his class room.

But that’s not what it’s all about. That’s not the key. What drives me and pushes me to action and what differentiates me from you is the constant conscience that death is inevitable. Yes, ever since I was a child, I’ve felt its icy breath on my back.

In pursuit of dreams

I met her for the first time when I was three years old. I came down with sepsis - to this day I have a scar on my ankle. My veins were completely sunken so the doctor had to plough my leg to be able to hook me up to an IV. And yet, I made it. I had luck on my side and also a strong body and an even stronger will to live. Today about 50% of children make it through sepsis, just think what the odds were like 30 years ago.

Death appeared on my path for the second time when I was six. My first dog died in my arms with blood dripping from its mouth. I’ve had several stories like this but I won’t bore you with them. Anyway, ever since I remember, I’ve been a little skewed. Time seems to have sped up ever since my man died. From that moment on I’ve heard an unbearable ticking in my head. I constantly find myself shivering in fear that I won’t manage to do something in time. That I won’t manage to fulfil all my dreams. Things got worse after the car accident I had on New Year’s Eve of last year. To this day I cannot believe that the only thing I suffered from then was a few large bruises.

That’s not what my life was supposed to look like. Everything was supposed to be completely different. There was supposed to be a house in the countryside, in the middle of nowhere. Joy, peace and rest. Life. Life together. And what happened instead is that I’ve lost all other dreams while pursuing the one that - as it turned out - will never come true.

Invest in what it’s worth

That’s why today I have an uncontrollable thirst to learn new things. If there’s something I’ve always wanted to learn, I study it. Now. Not in a year, two or three - now. That’s why I want to see the world, that’s why I get on the damn plane, ignoring my complete aviophobia. That’s why I forgive others all the disgusting things they’ve done to me. No, not because I’m stupid and I don’t notice them. I value my time. All because I’m completely aware of the fact that I’m only a sack of skin filled with meat and bones. Because I know very well that it won’t be a moment until it all decays and breaks down into atoms. In reality there are so few things that are really important if you just look at them from the final perspective. There are very few important people and very few important matters. Money is not important, all the issues and arguments of today don’t matter. At the end of the day all the Christmases, summer holidays and all the commercialised foolishness don’t mean anything. In the end, all that’s left are memories and all one has loved in their life. All they can remember.

It doesn’t matter who you are or who I am. Regardless of that we’re all going to die just the same. Think about it sometimes while making career, arguing with your closest ones or giving up something in life just because it’s hard. Time is limited, no one will give you back even one second of your life. It’s a loan with the highest interest rate possible. Life is beautiful. It’s full of colours, smells, flavours, kind people and breath-taking places. But it’s not given to us for granted. Think about it for a moment before you call me a lunatic again.