Love, i.e. an equation with nothing but unknowns.
To me personally, love constitutes the biggest challenge in life. It is the meaning of life, it gives the world colours and flavour. It’s the only thing we have in our memory when leaving this world. And money? It doesn’t mean a thing, it comes and it goes. And even though very often do I need to work my head off to get it, it’s not the main focus of my life. The same applies to material things – I can’t even count all the times when I had something just to lose it moments later. That’s why you mustn’t get attached to them.
The fear that makes you unable to breathe
Everything’s easy to do. Sometimes labour-intensive, but ultimately easy. But not love. There’s no simple equation or a guarantee that the effort put into it will pay off. It’s ever-changing and unpredictable. It’s simultaneously the brightest and most beautiful experience of my life and the darkest, most hurtful and difficult one. And the most complicated one, too. Loving someone is a challenge in itself, shedding your protective hard shell, allowing yourself to lose control, which is something I fear the most. And the deeper you go, the worse it gets. When you embrace your dearest one, feel their presence and warmth, listen for their breath and heartbeat and feel unexplainable happiness, but also fear. Sometimes the fear is so huge that it makes you unable to breathe. And sometimes the happiness is so overwhelming that you think it’ll explode, unable to contain such a load. To not be overcome with panic in such conditions is a hell of a job. Especially that I hate losing control over myself. And here I keep losing my reason out of lust and I become completely incapacitated by my own feelings. It’s interesting, though that love doesn’t blind me even if it may seem like it does. I always have a 20/20 vision when it comes to my loved one’s good and bad sides. I think it’s not possible to love someone for their virtues, but rather in spite of their vices. Not to mention the fact that what may be a vice for some, may be a virtue for me.
The balance between the body and the mind
The work you do on your body and physical fitness is nothing compared to working on your mental state and character. Working on your body is merely a repeated routine of the same activities. My body obeys me, regenerates quickly, and granted I take a good care of it, it’s a well-oiled machine, full of health and vigour. Working on your mentality, however, is a constant battle with every thought. For the past few months I’ve put an insane amount of work into removing everything that bothers me and instead bring back the qualities I once had that seemed to have disappeared as a result of certain traumatic events. For example, feeling positive about life, approaching it with humour and energy. Being a carefree child. Writing a blog helps with that as it allows me to go back in time. To draw conclusions from hardships and learn from my mistakes more than I would otherwise. It works well enough to allow me to be able to predict certain things. For example, I, as a relict of times gone by, who likes well-made and long-lasting things, have ceased to be surprised by the fact that friendship is like clothes from Zara, lasting not longer than one season. Even though my approach hasn’t changed, I keep investing in relationships with people, I keep giving on and on from myself but it’s more like a gold digger, who knows that a lot of his pickaxe work will yield no results. As a result, I don’t suffer as much as I used to when someone lets me down. People who hurt me usually end up hurting themselves so much that they’re unable to deal another blow and I can stop being bothered by them. I’m happier and healthier.
Maintaining a good condition of your mental health is hard but possible. People tend to build around themselves a world of deceit and lies, a labyrinth that’s hard enough to navigate, let alone clean up. They cannot honestly express what they think, need, what bothers them. In addition, they often deceive themselves. Sometimes it’s easier to throw a grenade into the labyrinth and clean up the debris left over from the explosion. I build myself solid foundations. I don’t presume anything; I usually like almost all newly met people. Well, maybe apart from huntsmen, but I do. However, it doesn’t mean I trust them. The fact that I like them doesn’t mean that I tell the truth, it doesn’t mean I’m myself, that I don’t provoke or test them. My seeming patience and steadiness don’t mean that I don’t feel the urge to send someone to hell, and my rage fits are more often a result of Oscar-worthy acting meaning to detect the reaction of the unit that falls a victim of it.
Careful or else you’ll be wronged…
The mental traits are accompanied by my looks. Of someone sweet, naïve, calm and most importantly seemingly much younger than I really am. It gives me an absolute edge over my opponent. He doesn’t appreciate my experience or intelligence. He doesn’t suspect for one minute that this sweet exterior hides Machiavelli. That screws me over again and again. Mainly because of men who believe this little tale and see me as their ideal partner. They don’t know me at all. They don’t know who I really am, what turns me on and what I really like. And who will complete me. Judging someone based on their looks, the first impression or scare information makes me laugh.
Unfortunately, showing myself with my guards down too soon costs me too much. It’s not easy. But consequence, persistence and diligence enable me to maintain relative balance. If someone wrongs me, I apply the procedure of imminent elimination. If someone tries to manipulate or play me – I do the same. There’s a risk that when you amputate, you may cut off too much of the healthy tissue, but there’s no other way to fight gangrene than cut quickly. Sometimes it also fucking hurts but there’s simply no other way out,
The economics of feelings – so close, yet so far
What also fascinates me is the use of economics when it comes to feelings, relationships and emotions. For example, diversification of funds. Putting all your eggs into one basket is a mistake, both in business and interpersonal relationships. Besides, because of my multiple fields of interest, it would be wrong to restrictively limit my circle of friends as it’s hard to expect two or three people to share all of my passions. And when it comes to friendship and love, apart from the ability to rely on someone, isn’t it all about spending time together?
Love that leaves no choice
I also have a great difficulty when it comes to navigating emotions. When it comes to everything I feel, I always react with a delay. Love always sets a trap on me which falls onto my head when I least expect it. Usually when it’s already too late to react anyhow. Well, at least I have no doubts, I don’t think I’ll ever say that I think I love someone. I either do or I don’t, I feel no indecision. To me, when someone says “I think I love him/her” rules out real feelings. What also rules it out is playing games, deceit, lack of communication and pretending someone you’re not.
Collision-free coexistence
Being with someone is having interest in them. Constant curiosity. Devotion. Ability to rely on somebody in times of trouble. A large dose of tolerance and understanding. Acceptance for the other person and for oneself. On the other hand, the faith that we can force someone or ourselves to change is always a dead-end. We either want to bind ourselves with the other person, taking upon ourselves also their entire life baggage or let’s not even being our journey together.
Love is care and affection. Taking up the challenge of care in everyday matters, both the benign, as well as the serious ones requiring a lot of effort. Collision-free coexistence. Leaving someone enough space for them to breathe comfortably, as well as maintaining our own space and ensuring our development and broadening our interests. I can’t resent any man I’ve ever loved because he wasn’t ready for me. Not everyone deserves happiness in life. Not everyone is ready to move to the highest level. Not everyone is able to lift me. Not everyone is capable of bearing passion, spontaneity, tenderness, care, interest, dedication, lack of rows over nothing.
Unfortunately, the fact alone that not everyone deserves me or is too blind to notice obvious things makes me only smarter, without any significant effect on my feelings.
Love is like wine
Real love between two people happens rarely because it’s made of a lot of unique ingredients. The recipe needs to be brewed with utmost precision, and the directions themselves need to be slightly modified depending on the conditions, just like when it comes to making wine. The main ingredient is a couple of mature people, between whom there needs to be harmony and balance so that neither dominates the composition. They need to simply be right for one another. Two of the best people who are not right for each other will never form a successful relationship. When they remove the pink glasses, the differences between them will start bothering them more, to the point where they’ll lead to the failure of the relationship. The most long-lasting couples are created by people of similar interests, similar upbringing and education, and, most importantly, similar life experiences.
A relationship also resembles constant balancing on the wire. What’s required is a balance between lust and neutrality, dedication and devotion or using and being used, interest, care, affection and overprotectiveness, tolerance and jealousy. Every deviation from the normal spoils the flavour and brewing the situation once again poses a difficulty. Unfortunately, one may have knowledge on both wine-making and interpersonal relationships, but it still won’t save one from vicious turns of events and a very unreliable human factor.
The higher the bar, the harder it gets
I never settled for nothing. And when you don’t, you need to accept the fact that your life won’t be easy and everything you need will cost you much more than others.
I never believed in the perfect kind of love, the one entitled ‘…and they lived happily ever after’. I still believe in fate, soul-and bodymates, the fact that there are people made for each other, being right for each other in every way, though. And the only thing that needs to happen is they need to meet and then not neglect the work they put into the relationship. And also not be cowards and not escape terrified by the relationship’s intensity.
Whatever we may do, what harms us the most is routine and laziness. It quickly develops into boredom and neglect. These in turn transform into disappointment and pain. However, I firmly believe that I’d rather feel pain than feel nothing at all; that I’d rather live than not live. Everything that’s the most valuable in this world bears a lot of risk. Besides, victory in this matter is worth every wound and the sweet taste of the said victory is the biggest reward imaginable. It’s looking into someone’s eyes and the ability to tell them how much you love them. The look on their face when they smile. Watching them sleep peacefully right next to you. Unfortunately, you may know all there is about love and be ready for it all, but you also need luck and stars on your side to meet the right person – and not be looking in another direction when it happens.
Fortunately, love is not only between men and women. It’s also meant for life, your family, what you do, a cat or a dog. And you can show it in each and every moment of your life to make it better.
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